/dev/null

Well, I finally found out on my last trip to court, when I go in next I could fight the time and such, but my lawyer believes strongly that I would end up with a much more severe punishment than if I just take the “deal” they offered me. So on May 25^th, 2012 at 8:30 AM I go into court and I’ll go into jail that day, I won’t be out until July 9^th or 10^th, 2012. The “deal” that the D.A. and my Lawyer worked out was45 days in jail, 21 months suspended sentence, with 2 years of probation (with conditions of not drugs unless prescribed, and no alcohol; which is not a problem for me, I don’t drink.) I think that this punishment is EXTREMELY way too much for the crime. All I did was steal 15 vicodin. I was very sick, plus I suffer from chronic pain on top of the than addiction sickness. Governor LePage is making all prescription drug cases WAY hardcore. Pre-LePage I would have gotten 15 days (one for each pill), a $500 fine, pay back the money for the pills ($20), and 6 months of probation. My record would be marked with a class C felony too. I can understand the 2 years of probation, or the 45 days in jail (even though I believe that I should not even get that much time), but both plus Godess knows what else the judge will be throwing at me.

I only have one real part of this shit that I hate. I am going to be away from my wife, my best friend, and soul mate for a month and a half! She’s upset about it as I am. It’s not right that we have to be torn apart like this. I’m so fucking depressed and sad about it. I am trying to hide my feelings, my fears, and all my stress and grief. Counting today, I only have 12 days to be with my soul, Michelle is my soul, with aout her I am nothing, nothing!! I am going to be a soul-less undead automaton. I love you Michelle. I am so glad I can count on you, you are my soul, my heart, my being.

My “Smiley” Emoticons stored here @ harper.blogsome.com/images/ (at Blogsome.com):

Angry: Dead: Crying: Drink: Err: Meh:
Money: Ninja: ShiftyNinja: Retard: Robot:
RollingEyes: “Yeah!”:

Today, I graduated from I.O.P.^* at Grace Street Recovery in Lewiston, Maine. Yay! I officially don’t have to go back to the IOP meetings, but occaisionally I will go back there. Marty O’ Brien (the owner, head re-hab addictionologist at Grace Street) is AWESOME!! He’s 100% pure Irishman, speaks fluent Gaelic, and french. He gre up in Ottowa, Canada. He’s a world-traveler, writer, musician, and all-around cool guy. Marty is very respected by both the world, and the addicts that he treats.

I am so glad that I am done there because of all the time that I end-up using-up 5 HOURS per day of my time. I will still be getting my Suboxone from Dr. Earl Freeman, D.O. that works there at Grace Street, but in about 2 months I am going to be asking to begin the reverse-tarteration, to start “coming-down” off the shite.”

^{*I.O.P. = Intensive Outpatient Program}

I just wanted to inform you all that as of Thursday, September 22nd, 2011 I will be graduating from I.O.P. Group. That’s in one more day, tomorrow. I’m by no means “over with”, I will be still attending Grace Street, but I will be doing my individual counseling shit for the next month, twice a week. Then I’ll switch again after that, to I believe to twice a month, or something like that. I’ll find out soon enough. It’s been going good, between Michelle, suboxone, and Grace Street, I have not used in 1 month and a half. (YAY!)

FAILURE:

People who say, “Failure is not an option” tend to fail more.

Failure, breeds failure, breeds, success.

“I AM wrong”.

Addiction takes us from ourselves.

When you relapse (fail) you feel guilty. Guilt and shame are the addict’s worse enemy.

Negotiate a relapse as failure, NOT as guilt and Shame.

Failure makes us feel like we are in LIMBO^*

People who don’t have goals , don’t fail as often.

Addicts are marked with a scarlet Letter “A” (A for Addiction). A stigma. Stigma is throughout our society for many things. Addiction is no different.
We have an illness, a disease.

Look at the word dis-ease, disease, dis-ease, break it down dis means NOT, EASE means EASE or comfort.

Disease means to be not at ease or not at comfort with our selves.

Failure mostly comes from childhood failure and abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, or all the above).

^{*See my entry on LIMBO.}

LIMBO = Stuck. No chance to go up or down. To succeed or fail. JUST stuck.

Regret for the past, fear for the future.

Sanctuary:
A place of safety, a haven, a place that is “mine”

See also: Tirmann (Gaelic Word): Meaning place of sancuary, safety on church-land.

“You Americans are so frivolous, let everybody win.”

–Richard Wright

(This means you’re fighting the wrong battle. Put your focus elsewhere. And most importantly of all: NOT EVERYBODY WINS ).

“Broken-ness” is a metaphor for “broken” people; people we’ve “harmed”.

Reminders of Anger/Rage can be brought into “Broken” people’s lives. Into their relationships, and every other corner of their lives.
Learn to say NO.
“Stand-up for yourself”

Group last week and the week, and the week before consisted of filling-out lots and LOTS of TCU addict worksheets, to deal with emotions, important people, etc. Alot of mapping out of goals & stratigies. I met again with the EVER-RUNNING-LATE Dr. Earl Freeman, D.O. who is one of two doctors there at Grace Street. He just happens to be the doctor assigned to me. He’s the doctor that I get my suboxone from. Some of the things that Marty talks about are very-much in the “makes-fucking-sense” catagory.